So, in 2009, I was beginning to feel something like my old self again. I knew I had to do something to change my life, but I didn't know what.
Then, the most extraordinary events started to unfold.......
I saw a programme on the telly called 'Last Chance to See' with Stephen Fry and this bloke called Mark Carwardine who is a Zoologist, Writer and Photographer. I was fascinated. It was all about searching out endangered animals and highlighting their plight. The last episode was about the Blue Whale - an animal which had always fascinated me - from childhood when my Dad took me to see the giant model at The Natural History Museum. I bought the book of the series, which was so brilliantly written, I was moved to write to it's author ( Mark Carwardine) and tell him how wonderful it was. I received a letter from his manager, Rachel, who told me about a trip that Mark runs - going whale and dolphin-watching in Baja, California Mexico and why didn't I go on this trip????
Well, I thought, there are many reasons why I can't go on this trip!! One, it cost a lot of money and I am a poorly-paid NHS outreach worker; two, I had this chronic fear of flying! I should explain that my two surviving brothers live in Germany, along with the rest of my family and my annual visits all had to be done on the North Sea ferry going from Harwich to Esbjerg ( a rocky 19hr journey). I had flown many years before a few times, but each time my fear got worse and worse, to the point where I just couldn't do it any more. Yes, my father was surely turning in his grave!!!
I talked to my best friend about it. 'I can't do this' I said,'I can't even do the hour's flight to Hamburg!' My best friend was disgusted at me.'This is the experience of a lifetime,' she said,'you may even get to see a Blue Whale - something which has always fascinated you- you cannot pass this chance up! Do whatever it takes - remortgage and get some therapy!'
I mulled all this over for a while and emailed Rachel and told her I'd do it!!
My God! Luckily, I also have a friend who had recently re-trained as an NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) Therapist and he said he'd help me with the flying thing.
I phoned my sister-in-law, Annie, widow of my deceased brother and told her what I was going to do. She burst into tears on the phone. 'Your brother would have been so proud of you for doing this,' she said. 'Ok,' I said,'I'm going to do it for him.' And so the wheels were set in motion.......
It had been a momentous decision for me. Getting myself into debt and trying to overcome my fear of flying. Also, with numerous physical difficulties as a result of my treatment, I wasn't sure I'd be able to do it.
Fatefully, at this time, I also developed Pancreatitis as a result of Gallstones and had to be rushed into hospital on New Year's Day 2010 for an emergency removal of the Gall Bladder. My time in hospital then gave me more time to reflect and made me more determined than ever to do this!!
During my Pancreatitis, I had lost a stone and the weight continued to come off - with a little help from Weight-Watchers and also my body beginning to return to normal after the final effects of the Tamoxifen had begun to wear off!! And so I began to scrimp and save and started my Hypnotherapy for the flying....
I didn't believe for a moment that it would work, and went to see my GP demanding Valium as a back up. He was happy to give this to me - anything to get me out of his surgery, I think!!!
In the run up to the trip, I was filled with more and more doubts - would the therapy work? Would I be able to get on with a bunch of strangers within the confines of a small boat? Would I fit in in America? Would they let me in? I'd only ever been to Europe before? Would America be too much for me? Would my dodgy arm cope with an 11-hour flight? ( My Lymphodaema Nurse, who looks after my dodgy arm informed me that it might balloon during such a long flight. So, I had to wear my compression sleeve for my arm during the flight and also a tight-fitting glove on the hand of that arm as the hand was likely to swell-up too. 'But people will think I'm a weirdo like Michael Jackson!!' I protested.'Wear the sunglasses to complete the look then,' was all she said, simply!)
In the days running up to the holiday, more and more doubts filled my head. I was determined to do it, but I didn't want to arrive in America a mental and physical wreck!
I had decided to stay overnight at a hotel at Heathrow the night before the mid-morning flight so that I wouldn't have the added stress of worrying about making it to Heathrow on the dreaded M25 on time.... and this is where my diary starts. I wrote it in a journal from the time I spent at the hotel. I have had to ask some of my fellow travellers, post holiday, to help me fill in some of the details of names, places etc as, often in my excitement, I would forget these details. So, some post-holiday editing has taken place, but it's generally as it was when I wrote it so....enjoy....!!!
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